An Open Letter To Minnesota Mosquitoes: I Give Up
Dear 2022 crop of Minnesota mosquitos,
I give up. You win. Please stop attacking every square inch on my body every time I step outside for more than five seconds. Please consider this letter my official surrender.
I went to mow the lawn Tuesday afternoon and was nearly carried away by a swarm of 'squitos. They were biting my neck, my legs, my face... these dudes were NOT picky about pricking me EVERYWHERE.
When I did smack one down, it would do that disgusting "popping" thing where all the blood smears on you, kind of like that scene in Fight Club. YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I HAVE BEEN!!!
I know last year was hard for you. The drought conditions held you guys down and I'm guessing you are pretty excited to get out and chomp some human skin this year. I cannot fault you for that.
With that being said, these welts all over my body are numerous and gigantic. Did you all recently upgrade the size of your stingers or something? I mean, I've lived here for all 40 years of my life and have been eaten alive by mosquitoes plenty of times, but nothing like this.
Can I make some sort of blood sacrifice to get you off of me? Maybe I could leave out a nice, bloody steak in my backyard to placate you? I would be willing to serve up a giant T-bone, right on my porch, to satisfy your blood lust.